Each sharp gasp of breath that you take in is what rattles through my throat. Each crinkle beside your eyes that forms when you squint in pain is another gash on the side of my heart.
Your pain magnifies in my mind, swallowing my brain until it’s rotting and churning through horrid cinematic images that I can’t even describe. It’s so painful I’m blinded; it squeezes out tears until they’re coming down in bucketfuls. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. My tears try to call out to you.
Sorrow. Regret. Shame. All these are dissolving in the depth of vicarious pain that bores a hole like acid through my stomach. It’s eating away at my heart, my internal organs–oh god, I see it dissolving me inside out; it’s taking my skin until I stand in front of you, fully exposed and honest, as a bare skeleton for an instant. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. My empty mouth tries to whisper this to you.
And now it’s burrowing into the marrow, it’s sucking the life right out of me. I’m crumbling. But even as I hope for relief in the pile of dust that I’ve become, I reform. And again. And again. I’m thrown through this process over and over again. I’m sorry. I try to say this to you each time but you can’t hear me. With each “I’m sorry” I try to take some of your load, but it’s too embedded for me to reach it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The constantly-shifting me tries to say this, but you smile softly and say that you’ll be fine. Lies.
I’d rather be the one in pain then experience it like this.
I wonder what it’ll be like when I first meet you. Perhaps you’ll be an electric blue, the kind where every time you touch my hand it sends jolts of excitement through my body. You’ll be spontaneous, explosive, passionate, wild. … Continue reading →
Today, I lost several years of memories. The movie ticket stub from my first date, the little napkin note that my sister wrote me before my exams, the receipt from the time I went out to eat with my best … Continue reading →
I am so very excited to share this with you all. Apologies for no posts in a long time — camp life swallowed me whole. But I’m back for the weekend and took a few hours to perfect my masquerade … Continue reading →
I am very excited to say that I will be attending a masquerade ball this summer. Unfortunately my mom said no more dress-buying, so I rummaged through my closet and came up with a little black dress. Perfect. I … Continue reading →
Well darling readers, I’m not sure if these are technically “truffles”, but they’re so delicious that I don’t even care. Chocolate covered cookie dough. Who came up with this idea? Just brilliant. Last night I was craving cookie dough, but … Continue reading →
I’m so angry. I’m normally not an angry person. But this time is different. I can feel this powerful current of rage just building inside my blood stream, but instead of motivating me to run, jump, shout, or hate, it’s … Continue reading →
I saw this great idea from deliciousness and decided to try it out. Since many of my friends are graduating, I decided a hand-written letter along with a graduation gift would make it ten-times more special. So here it goes! … Continue reading →
I’m now ready to move my DIY skills to another level. Bingo. Dress-making. Well I guess I’ve made a few dresses, but they don’t really…count. It’s mostly been modification of other dresses that I’ve bought, except for this one dress … Continue reading →
I’ve never felt this bad about anything in my life. Ever. You know how people say that hearing “I’m disappointed” is worse than being yelled at? Yeah, that’s the truth. The thing is, I can be better. I have been … Continue reading →