TOL: Understanding is Forgiveness

I swore I would never forgive you.

It’s hard not to feel some form of resentment when I put everything in and you never did the same. Even when I still considered you mine you never thought about me. You did things that made me worry. You probably never thought that I sometimes stayed up at night thinking about your problems. Wishing that I could solve everything. Hoping that I can replace the things that made you unhappy. Praying for your future.

But no matter how much I try, I can’t hate you. It’s weird but I know you too well. You might think that you never exposed any part of yourself, but everybody tells me that I’m really good at reading people, and you’re no exception. It’s the small things, really. I remember every conversation that we’ve ever had. I remember what music you like. Where you like to shop. What you like to do on the weekends. The way you slouch. The type of movies you like. Your favorite food. How you looked at me when we were together.

You told me about how you felt sometimes. Lonely. Like nobody could understand you. You told me that you wanted someone who would accept you the way you were, and who would never abandon you. Ironic how I was there for you and you never saw it. I tried to be everything you wanted me to be and even more. There’s so much that I did for you that you don’t know about. But thank goodness. I would feel like even more of an idiot if you knew.

Now that I think about it, you are just a sad little boy. You aren’t able to appreciate what you have or look forward to the future. You don’t need to act stupid to be noticed. People who appreciate you will notice you if you just be yourself. I’m glad I caught you when you were off-guard, but at the same time I wish I had never met you. Yet it’s so stupid! I still can’t hate you. Maybe it’s because I’ve already forgiven you. Even when I was upset, I was upset with myself for not trying harder. Understanding is the first step to forgiveness, and I have already began treading that road.

Now, I just want to say something to you. Please stop doing the stupidest things and try to think about what happens next. Your future looks shaky and I want to help. But all I can do is bite my lip and move on. Because no matter how much I care, I can’t show it because you’re already gone.

-hils
Website: https://owlonabraintree.wordpress.com
This post is part of a series of posts called Thoughts on Life.

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