TOL: False Sense of Security

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So many good things are happening so fast. But I’m so scared.

Blurs of emotions are just streaking through my brain at light speed, so fast that I confuse them for another feeling. I’m so deliriously happy that my instincts have disabled themselves and I probably shouldn’t trust anything I think, feel, or do. Because inside, I’m actually terrified that with all these good things building up, something is just going to come right when I have a false sense of security and tear it all down.

It’s happened before. It’s not like I haven’t had it all and then watched it all burn down.

Because life is just that way. It wants you to feel the greatest amount of happiness and then make it you lose everything. Everything.

No, but at least it still lets you have hope. A chance to rebuild yourself. Which I’ve been struggling to do for the past few years, avoiding anything that had the faint chance of blocking my way.

And now…I can’t turn away from this. I’m back in my stable life, but so many, too many good things are happening. I want to back off, I want to run and shout “hurrah” around the room, I want to bury my face in my hands and cry.

But maybe, this time can be different. Maybe this time I won’t be there, tearing down my own hopes and dreams along with the fire. First of all, I still need to entertain the possibility that something will come to balance out my good fortune. But I also need to consider that maybe this is a redemption for the suffering beforehand. Maybe if I don’t try to block it all out, I can deal with it in a better way and stop believing in fate.


This post is part of a series of posts called Thoughts on Life.


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