TOL: “I’m Disappointed.”

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I’ve never felt this bad about anything in my life. Ever.

You know how people say that hearing “I’m disappointed” is worse than being yelled at? Yeah, that’s the truth. The thing is, I can be better. I have been better. But this time I know I really screwed up. And that makes it ten times worse.

Not only did I humiliate myself, but I also humiliated my parents. You know, I don’t even really care about the fact that I embarrassed myself. Maybe it would’ve been better if I had been there by myself, I would’ve been able to deal with all of it by myself. Knowing that my parents have such high expectations for me, I went and screwed it all over. Since they’re so kind, nice, and caring, they don’t yell at me. They don’t even mention it. They just are silent.


Silence. The worst type of punishment I’ve had to deal with. I’ve dealt with tears, screams, time-outs, call-homes, slaps, the like. And the other person’s satisfaction from hurting me with words or blows bestows itself on me, and I feel a satisfaction that “yes, I deserve this. I’m a horrible person and I deserve all of this. Please, punish me more. I’m sorry.” But silence just takes everything in my stomach and empties it out. It clutches at my heart and rips it out of my chest. It clouds my vision with shame. I can’t even say I’m sorry because then the response will only be, “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.” But we all know that I did.

I think it’s time to reform myself. I always talk about reforming myself, but sadly I never do. I guess it’s because I feel like I’ve gotten what I deserve and it’ll be all right. For the next week I’ll probably be washing the dishes every night and cleaning out my room. I’ll probably ace all my tests and probably try to save the world a few times if I have space in my schedule. But nothing will alleviate my guilt except for time. And hoping that they’ll forget and that accusing glare in their pupils will slowly fade away as they forget and new, better memories replace today.

This post is part of a series of posts called Thoughts on Life.


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